Online since August 2002

Just shoot me now ...

From the Spring 2003 issue.

The Very Best of Cher
The Very Best of Cher
By Cher

Rhino Records / Warner Bros.: 2003

To hear sound clips or learn more about this release, Turbula recommends viewing its Amazon.com entry.

The soul-searing stench emanating from my mailbox last week exuded eau de egg salad mixed with rancid German cheese and John Goodman's damp sweat socks I was terrified I might be the victim of a terrorist mail attack, the recipient of some pernicious, Hell-spawned contagion.

As my trembling fingers warily opened the tainted envelope, the fetor became overwhelming. I held my breath for dear, sweet life; my eyes squirted burning tears as if I'd been maced with acid. The contents of the envelope spewed forth, leaving actual skid marks on the kitchen table where the evil square bounced and landed. A demonically equine face peered up at me, unnaturally swollen lips curled into the cruelest of smiles.

Yes, dear readers, to my abject horror, someone had sent me – ME! – a copy of the brand-new "Very Best Of Cher" CD. I tried to scream was but was struck dumb and physically paralyzed as her hateful countenance mocked me. My wife returned home several hours later and found me catatonic at the table, but she was oblivious to my stricken state.

"Oooh, a Cher CD!" she enthused, and proceeded to penetrate my hapless CD player with the product in question. As a noxious goat bray spilled forth from the speakers, my ears began to hemorrhage, followed by projectile vomiting and seizures. At this, the wife belatedly took note of my stricken condition and paramedics were summoned. I spent the next three days in intensive care with Robert Johnson songs being pumped into my ears via headphones before I regained enough strength to return home and type this review.

Once my health has been fully regained, a lawsuit against the terrorist cell Warner Brothers Records will certainly be in the works. The traumatic after-effects of this cowardly attack have included impotence, general biliousness and a recurring nightmare that I'm stuck at a Cher concert – with Jonny Lang as the opening act.

Meanwhile, this vile "best of" package, ostensibly served up as a "Special Farewell Edition," is a companion piece to Cher's ostensible "Farewell Tour," which has been going on roughly since 1991 – which happens to coincide with the beginning of the first Gulf War. Coincidence or hateful plot by Saddam Hussein? This is for bigger minds than my own to determine.

Review by Buddy Seigal. Buddy is a musician and writer living in La Mesa, Calif.

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