Salt Mine Exchange
A One-Act Play

By Christopher Woods

OFFICIAL

What I'm saying is this. The job requires a certain sociability.

APPLICANT

How do you define that, "certain"?

OFFICIAL

The usual. Nodding, winking, basic friendliness. Outgoing is a plus.

APPLICANT

I see.

OFFICIAL

Doesn't mean you have to be that way away from here, you understand. It's really not so bad. It's pretty good, in fact.

APPLICANT

Is that all?

OFFICIAL

What kind of attitude is that? Pretty good is as good as you can expect when you're working. It's a job. Jobs are never more than pretty good. If it was any better, if it was fun, the chances are good that it wouldn't be a job. You'd be loafing. Understand?

APPLICANT

No, what I meant was, is that the only job you have?

OFFICIAL

Who do you think you are, anyway? Too good for it? Listen, better men than you have worked this job. For less money, too. I'd say I'm doing you a favor.

APPLICANT

I don't mean to degrade the job, really. I was just thinking you might have something else.

OFFICIAL

Like what?

APPLICANT

I don't know. Something with a little less sociability, maybe. Yes, I'd like that. You see, I'm not too fond of people. I'd rather not see them. Ever have a job like that?

OFFICIAL

Yes and no. It takes a very special kind of person.

APPLICANT

I'm that.

OFFICIAL

Are you?

APPLICANT

Oh yes, very much so. I'd much prefer to go that route.

OFFICIAL

That's what you say. You aren't the first. Everyone's wise these days. Everyone knows best. Oh boy.

APPLICANT

But is there a job like that?

OFFICIAL

If there is?

APPLICANT

I'd give it a good try. Really, I would.

OFFICIAL

You'll have to. To last, I mean. Most don't last over a few weeks. Some, they go it a few months.

APPLICANT

Then what?

OFFICIAL

Beats me. They just crack, through no fault of their own. Sometimes they're carried away.

APPLICANT

It's that bad?

OFFICIAL

Why do you ask if it's what you want?

APPLICANT

I didn't mean to ask. I'm sorry. I guess I'll take it.

OFFICIAL

Wrong. It will take you. Takes them all.

APPLICANT

I'm strong.

OFFICIAL

Makes me happy, I tell you.

APPLICANT

What are the hours?

OFFICIAL

Doesn't matter. Just get the work done.

APPLICANT

If I finish early, can I leave?

OFFICIAL

No. There's no leaving this job once you start. Sleep if you like, though. Walk around if you don't go too far. But no leaving.

APPLICANT

What if I get sick?

OFFICIAL

Hope that you don't. There's no one to tell. You are your own boss. Talk to the boss. Isn't that what you want, to be left alone?

APPLICANT

Sure, but ...

OFFICIAL

Then you'll take it? Tell me now, tell me now.

APPLICANT

Sure.

OFFICIAL

That's it. That's all there is. Any family?

APPLICANT

No. Not here, anyway. At least I don't think so.

OFFICIAL

Sure about that?

APPLICANT

I thought I did, but I'm sure I don't. No, I don't.

OFFICIAL

Glad to hear it. It's better if you don't, I always like to say. Less distractions. Distractions are bad in your kind of work.

APPLICANT

Wouldn't want any, to be honest.

OFFICIAL

I like your attitude.

APPLICANT

Then I've got it?

OFFICIAL

Why not?

APPLICANT

That's great. I feel like celebrating.

OFFICIAL

If you do, keep it to yourself.

APPLICANT

Oh?

OFFICIAL

Listen to me. Someone like you can harm sociability in the others. Can't have that. Bad stuff all around. Before you know it, everyone would want to be alone. Everyone would want your job. Bad. How would things get on, continue?

APPLICANT

I see your point. I don't want to make trouble. I'll celebrate as quietly as I can.

OFFICIAL

See that you do. We try to think of everything. It takes managerial ability. It takes what some would call genius.

APPLICANT

Certainly seems like that. I'd say it was. Is. Yes, I'd say so.

OFFICIAL

I like a company man.

APPLICANT

I'm that. You can count on me.

OFFICIAL

I can see that. You won't mind, then, consenting to a wee operation? Essentially a painless piece of surgery?

APPLICANT

It depends. What's the operation?

OFFICIAL

We take something. Not much, I tell you. Just what we need. Something you won't need once you've started working for us. You do want the job, don't you? Isn't that what you said?

APPLICANT

Yes, but ...

OFFICIAL

Are you some kind of wise guy or what? Didn't you tell me you wanted the job? Didn't you? Hell, lots of people want this job. I don't have to give it to you. You're wasting my time.

APPLICANT

Oh no. Don't misunderstand me. This is just the job I want. The job I've been dreaming about. It's just that ...

OFFICIAL

It's just nothing. Right? Then it's settled. Just sign here. (He pushes pen and paper across) We have very fine doctors, let me tell you.

APPLICANT

I'm sure you do. Tell me, will I be seeing them, after the operation?

OFFICIAL

Hardly. After they're done with you, you won't care about seeing them. And they won't need to see you. This lobotomy business is really streamlined these days. You'll hardly notice. (He points to paper) Sign it. Now.

APPLICANT

(Signing) There. You know. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Why, the opportunity.

OFFICIAL

I think I can. Because it's so strange. They all say the same thing.

BLACKOUT

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