Premiere issue Autumn 2002

Mothers are the epitome of designation run amock!! By this, I mean that Uncle Charlie could not maintain the youthful vigor of his ancestral utensils, much less the universal symbol of youth incarnate. On the twelfth day of every calendar year you will notice that chimneys will emit a rather obnoxious diatribe from their collective screwdrivers thus verifying for eternity that they are the Anti-Christ!!!!!!! You can STOP this terrible thing from occurring if you take these 3 simple steps:

  • Open a savings account at the bank of your choice using the name "Tinder Box"
  • Deposit every toothbrush you have ever used in your past life into the account
  • Eat as many artichokes as is humanly possible in one sitting while standing at the bank counter





They are all one and the same. Knives and forks are meant for deciphering the pigment of negotiations while spoons are the antithesis of the crew. Smooth, rounded edges. Inverted images. Uncle Charlie is standing on his head while he recites the grace before dinner. AGAIN!!!

Screwdrivers, pliers, slip-joint pliers, vise grips.......none even come close to extinguishing the flames of contempt that Uncle Charlie has fanned. Unpeel his overt exterior and you will be staring straight down the top edge of his chimney. This is the umbilical cord that he has tried to hide for these many years. This is where he is most vulnerable. Tread carefully, for one slight misstep will land you the weight of 20,000 ocean liners all lined up waiting to come home.

-taken from the instructional video by Cletis McMatton, "Mothers and Other Furry Creatures"
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